I have so much to say about my experiences. I am still suffering from some wicked, weird jet-lag. I have not slept more than four hours in the past five days. My body and mind are still on Megjugorje time, so although it is 5:30 am and the Californian in me should be sound asleep, the Croat in me is expecting to bask in early afternoon sun.
I can't seem to coherently express myself.
I realize I established this community as a sole devotion to American Catholic's Saint of the Day. I realize it seems unfair that as moderator I can abandon such a well-received forum and then boisterously come back and recount all of my PERSONAL experience.
I never forgot you.
The reasons I abandoned this community were numerous, but all selfish. Last summer I suffered my first real heartbreak(yeah, boohoo) and, in my typical spirit of terminal uniqueness, believed I was dying and that no one else had ever experienced such pain. I became very, very unhealthy - fatally so, and this seems to be a recurring pattern with me. I am an extremist in all senses of the word, and have taken exacting measures to destroy myself.
In such a state it seemed pretensious to feign holiness in the form of livejournal evangelism. I felt more guilty each time I posted a biography laden with evidence of virtue and righteousness. I wanted to ignore my dwindling dignity - I felt powerless to stop the process and any acknowledgement of it was just demoralizing.
MUCH has happened to me - things I never would've anticipated. But, like before, my faith is stronger as a result and I am experiencing an entirely foreign, overwhelming call and NEED to abandon the futility that governs my life, to remedy my persistent and dangerous selfishness and to solidify my faith so that I might share it. It was hard and incredibly arrogant to implore others to find truth when I was so blatantly ignoring it.
PART of this return to sanity and the pursuit of devotion is the direct result of this trip. I changed immeasurably in just two weeks.
But it has been a gradual process, first my self-worth slowly returing to where I could at least allow my mind to consider the divine without knowing I had no right.
The point is this: I am so proud of this community and so happy with its readership in the past. I put a lot of work into it, and I felt good about that. I want to commit to reviving this forum.
Also, I am going to cheat the SAINT BANTER ONLY rule and tell you all about my trip, because I think it'd be a disservice to you not to share, even if only through secondhand and poor communication, my experience with the undeniably divine.
I will give you a phototour and make you hear about my plan to move to Medjugorje within a year - not for work or for school but essentially because I believe the Blessed mother LIVES there.
Now, then, lets resume....